Wedding Woes

I am in the throes of trying to plan a wedding. Or, better put, procrastinating on planning a wedding. I do not have a venue, a dress, or a solid idea for a cake. I do, however, have some creative thoughts about theme and color scheme, and that is basically it.

I’ve looked at a few venues and was only truly delighted with the aesthetics of one, but loathed the cost of each. As with almost everything I do in life, I have a specific idea in my mind and I’m having a really hard time making it come to fruition. To be perfectly honest, my main concern is that every aspect of my wedding reflects who we are. My second concern is practicality.

Why am I purposely procrastinating? This is supposed to be one of the most exciting times of my life. Sadly, it hasn’t been. Layoffs at work have put me in an incredibly stressful situation, as evidenced by several of my previous posts. The everyday barrage of emotions from that situation alone is enough to deal with. I met such disappointment when looking at venues, seeing my personal idea of my dream wedding crumbling before me, that I quickly realized that I wasn’t equipped to deal with both at the same time if I could help it.

Many people have told me that I’m lucky to have such a long engagement, because by the time the wedding comes, I will feel like I didn’t have enough time. Part of me also feels that I am putting off the planning because the waiting game is also extremely difficult. If I don’t start the planning, it won’t seem real yet. I waited five and a half years for the ring on my finger; I just didn’t think waiting another year and a half would be so excruciating. Once the planning begins, I have a feeling it will just get worse. By then we will have been together for seven years, a length of time in which a lot of marriages don’t even last.

I pride myself in doing what I need to do for me, and I have done so since I was a teenager. Rarely succumbing to peer pressure, establishing my own ideas and beliefs at a very early age, and even making several cases for my own individuality to my parents, complete with sound arguments that many teenagers didn’t even give themselves time to think of.

I’m saying this now because I am waiting to get married for everyone but myself. There are so many other contributing factors, and I realize that it is completely necessary to wait, but in a sense I feel like I am abandoning what I feel is right in order to make others happy. I simply don’t want to wait any longer. I also don’t want to base my decisions around those of others. It goes completely against what I’ve built myself upon.

I will make it clear by saying eloping is not an option. Jeff and I want a real wedding. There is a reason that people follow such rituals and ceremonies and I have my very specific reasons. My marriage will not be a disposable institution created in a lawyer’s office.

With all that said, I don’t wish this to cause anyone guilt. As I mentioned, the waiting and the concession to others is absolutely necessary in this case. The wait will make it so much sweeter once the day comes – I just wonder, how much waiting can one woman endure before it feels like torture? I can’t tell you, because that moment already passed long ago.

The job stress will end in only a few more days, and I will be able to unwind and cast all of this foolishness aside. Then and only then will I be able to meditate on the things that I really learned during the trial and apply them to whatever comes next. I hope to take the energy spent on work lost and pour it into crafting what will be one of the most beautiful days of my life. I long for the day to arrive, to be able to call Jeff my husband, to reach the pinnacle of this leg of our journey and begin a new one as husband and wife.

I just have to keep in mind that there will be no ceremony and no celebration without the planning, and that I will regret not using this time while I have the opportunity.

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