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Backward and Forward: Chaos

I am a firm believer that sometimes, you have to go backward to go forward. In order for me to write about my now, I have to talk about my then.

________________

(Written 1/17/2011)

Here is what you have missed since our paths last crossed, in very brief summary format:

Jeff’s mother passed away on September 10. We spent an agonizing week sitting with her in the hospital. We took deep breaths as she struggled to breathe, hoping it would somehow help to fill her lungs. We listened to her moan with terrifying pain as her bones slowly began to crush and break under the terrible influence of cancer. After only a few days of witnessing her rapid decline, the family realized it was truly her time to find the peace that she has been without for many years, and after everyone said their goodbyes, she died in the middle of the night after almost everyone had gone home.

The entire ordeal was exhausting, and sent me into a very long tunnel of numb emotions that I have yet to escape for any significant length of time. Jeff’s father needed a caring soul to lean on and I put myself aside to provide that for him in such a difficult time. It was nearly impossible to grieve in a healthy way with such a whirlwind of plans and changes swirling around us. The day she died, we went to the funeral home and made preparations. Within a few more days we grieved with the extended family and friends. Only 3 weeks later, Jeff and I had our own wedding to celebrate.

It was difficult to completely change our tone for the wedding. We moved straight from planning a funeral to finishing our wedding preparations, from one of the saddest days of our lives to the happiest. It almost felt wrong to be so excited in the midst of so much pain and grief, but I couldn’t help myself. This is the day that I’ve been waiting for 7 years, and it was rapidly approaching. A few days before the wedding I came down with a terrible cold that left me feeling like I wanted to sleep for 2 weeks straight. I wasn’t in any shape to be in a wedding, much less build one from the ground up. Fortunately, I had the help of some amazing people – namely my parents, grandparents, and best friends. The day itself was absolutely perfect. I was miraculously cured of my illness just long enough to walk down the aisle and enjoy my day without a single sniffle or cough. The weather was sent to us from heaven (or from Jeff’s mom, I’m sure), the guests were ecstatic and the food was purely delicious. Honestly, it couldn’t have been more perfect (and I will share the details of the day in a blog to follow.)

The following day, I nervously led my husband through the airport to our plane for his first flight ever. After decades of running from a terrifying phobia of planes, he determined that the only way to fight this fear would be to fly to our honeymoon destination. I tightly held his hand as we ascended, answered his worried questions about the rattling of the plane, and watched him as he worriedly gazed out of the window for the first time. I was sure that I was going to cry. The look on his face after seeing the world from 30 thousand feet above. Watching the sunset from the top of the clouds. How many people live their whole lives too afraid to face their fears? Yet there Iwas, holding the hand of a man that was staring straight in the face of his demon… and smiling. I can describe it no other way than to say that I swelled with pride.

We enjoyed a long honeymoon doing nothing and everything at the same time. It was our first vacation together and the first real vacation of his life, so we explored and did too much, then spent time doing absolutely nothing to balance it out. Unfortunately, during the middle of the honeymoon, we received the devastating news that Jeff’s teenage son, my step son and the boy that had been living with us for the past year, had run away from his mother’s house, and did not return until we came home. The days and weeks to follow were a struggle between teenage angst and caring parent. He ran away when he could. He stole, lied, and wouldn’t talk to us about what was going on in his life. The emotions rushing through me then were of a whole different breed. Indescribable amounts of worry, betrayal, confusion, and heartbreak. The biggest part of me understood everything he was going through, the rest of me just wanted to rein him in and lock him away so I wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. Some small part of me, a very selfish part of me, wanted to be so angry at him, at everyone, for not allowing Jeff and me to have just a simple week and a half to ourselves to celebrate our marriage.

Without divulging too much of my stepson’s privacy, we finally convinced him to get help and we are continuing along that course. It all came full circle when Jeff’s father asked us to move into the family home to help take care of things while he was away from home. This was a good opportunity to start anew in a bigger house, a new school system, and a completely different environment for ourselves and our family. We rushed into a home that was already filled with someone else’s belongings. We had to sort through Jeff’s mom’s things within a matterof a couple of weeks and decide where to put it in order to make room for everyone that would be moving in. It was a massive cleaning and organization project that we managed to complete over the course of only a week or two, and we made the decision to move in almost a split second. The move was opportune, but did not come without its downsides. We are sharing the house with Jeff’s brother and niece. It is in various states of disrepair and requires a lot more cleaning and attention to become the type of house we would prefer to live in. As with most roommate situations, there is a lot of tension in the air when it comes to household chores and no one is truly finished healing over the fact that they are now living in the same space that Jeff’s mother essentially started dying in.

Not long after coming back from our honeymoon, Jeff started to feel sick. He had lower back pain and sometimes felt feverish. On Halloween, we moved into our new (old) home. On Thanksgiving, Jeff’s health started to decline in a very strange way. His back pain disappeared, but various neurological symptoms appeared. Dizziness, headaches,ear pain, speech issues, twitching… the list goes on. We ran through the gambit of doctors and a barrage of bloodtests, MRI, EEG, all of which are telling us that nothing is wrong with him. Mold was found in the home but afterconsulting with the doctor, he was certain that mold couldn’t cause such severe symptoms. It has now been about 2 months of dealing with this medical mystery and we are no closer to finding a solution. At first I was terrified, crying every day, worried that he could be dying. Then I was too stressed to cry, and I became angry. Now… I am as close to being numb as I’ve ever been, knowing that it is one of the only ways I will remain strong enough for both of us. For the family. Can anyone blame me?

In just 5 months I have lived every emotion I’ve ever known. My life is nothing like it was before, and it will never be the same.

As a drop of oil in the sea,
You must float,
Using intellect and compassion
To ride the waves.

________________

Now that I have clearly laid out the chaos that has overcome my life in the past several months, I have decided to focus on how I will be restoring order.

To follow: The Ceremony, Restore Order Part 1: Escape Volatility

Anniversary

Today is an important day for many reasons.

Chronologically, it marks the 24th anniversary of the day of my birth. Many would think that this should be the most important thing on the list, and it ranks very high up there, but there are other important things to celebrate. I like to think that they all have a symbiotic relationship with each other – without one, there wouldn’t be the other, and they all live and thrive off of each other.

It is also the one-year anniversary of my engagement to the man I love. It is almost impossible to think that it has already been a year since that amazing weekend, since the thrill that shot through every muscle in my body when I first saw the ring and the first tears of joy that fell down my cheek when my wish finally came true. It was hard to wrap my mind around the idea that I would be marrying my best friend of seven years, as much as I had imagined it for so long, it was finally going to come true.

He started as a mentor and turned into a friend, confidant, and comforter. I distinctly remember the electricity of his hand resting on mine as I hid my tears of a broken heart. He knew I was hurting, despite my best efforts to keep it from the world, and he taught me how to have the confidence that I needed to heal.

From that friendship forged a melding of hearts and minds, the ultimate companionship, where it was not only safe to be completely yourself but required. In a world where you are constantly restricted or judged by peers, coworkers, family, and complete strangers, finding sanctuary within another person to be free to act or say whatever you wish is absolutely liberating. To have that person adore you even more for it is, in my opinion, an essential component of an enduring and fruitful relationship.

I could easily write forever about what drew me in, what kept me around, what keeps me happy even through the hardest life trials I have ever endured. This is not the time to write about them, because today is about the promise that I made one year ago to join with him in a union celebrating our friendship and love.

Numerically, today is also the year’s halfway point to our wedding. In fact, it will be the halfway point to our wedding date every year. If I have the allowance to abuse numbers for a minute, just follow along…

May 21 is the 141st day of the year,

except for leap year, in which case it is the 142nd

October 10 is the 283rd day of the year,

except for leap year, in which case is the 284th

In both scenarios, the halfway point to October 10 falls on May 21.

But there is more:

October 10, 2010 in binary is 101010.

101010, when converted into decimal, is the number 42.

May 21, no matter what kind of year it is,

is 142 days away from October 10.

Now that my geek is showing, I will bring it back to earth a little bit.

Symbolically, this day is an important stepping stone in the cycle of my life, from growing a year older, to moving forward in our own shared happiness, to adding another blissful year to our relationship and (soon-to-be) marriage. In 142 days, I will call my best friend husband. We will share our vows and exchange rings, but the ring on my finger will be more than just a piece of metal with some pretty rocks in it. It will be a symbol of the commitment that we have already and will continue to make to each other; the memories that we have already shared and have yet to create; our roots growing into the ground and supporting the branches that will be constantly growing up towards the sky.

As is the tree of life, so is the ring of eternal love, so is an ever-growing and evolving union between soulmates.

Be Your Own Music Maker

“We are the music makers, we are the dreamers of dreams.”

The quote needs no introduction. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and as soon as I was capable of thinking for myself, it meant a great deal to me. It wasn’t until I really became an independent, responsible thinker that it morphed into what it is today – a piece of the composition for how I believe I should live my life.

One of the virtues I hold dearest to me is accountability for yourself and your actions. Not only should you take accountability and responsibility for yourself, you should do the same for your life. Too many people thrive off of falling victim to their misfortunes. They make excuses for every problem that they have in their life and they ultimately take advantage of the few unfortunate situations that have been thrown their way. I have gone through difficult emotional trials throughout my life and I have frequently written in this blog about what I have learned from them. I don’t cast aside responsibility for the situations that caused those trials and I certainly don’t make excuses for myself. I use what I have learned to make myself stronger as a person and to grow character.

I have been very fortunate in my life otherwise. It was only until very recently that I experienced something that was completely outside of my control that turned my life upside-down, and I am not ashamed to admit that I wavered in my strength during that period of time. I imagine that most people feel a lot like I did when I was laid off – desperate for a job, for money, lacking in self-worth and with the horrifying nagging question always in the back of your mind, “Why did this happen to me?” If your friends and family haven’t been through it, it’s difficult for them to understand it. If they aren’t looking for a job in this terrible economic climate, they don’t appreciate the devastating feeling of hearing “We went with another candidate,” “You’re overqualified,” or the dreaded no response at all. Days turn into weeks and into months and the bills pile up. You fight with the unemployment agency and your previous employer just so you can start getting your unemployment checks and you struggle to find jobs to apply to that meet the minimum requirements for your job contacts to even qualify for unemployment. You think about getting just any old job that will hire you when you do the math to realize you will have to make twice as much as minimum wage just to make more than unemployment. You feel stuck in a sinking stinking pit. The entire time you have that terrible self-deprecating thought staring at you from around the corner – “What did I do to deserve this?” Or the anger kicks in and you think, “That no good company ruined my life.”

It’s true that I had moments of pure weakness and I broke down and cried. I didn’t know what to do to get out of a hole that just kept getting deeper, in every sense. In many ways, I am still recovering from those four months. In many ways, I have learned and grown a great deal.

When I wasn’t feeling my worst, I was constantly reminding myself that being laid off is a life trial that many people have to endure, and that emotional and financial troubles are often a side effect of such a trial. I needed to take accountability for my life and do everything I can not to adopt the victim mentality. Take control of my bad situation and find the positive in it. Don’t blame anyone for what happened, because it’s nobody’s fault. Just be strong and wise and learn.

I constantly try to live my life paving my own path. From a young teenager, I tried to remain an individual and “march to the beat of my own drummer” as some might say. To me, that means making my life what I want it to be as opposed to what others want of me. That also means taking what has been offered to me and learning what I want and need from it. Most importantly, it means making opportunities for myself instead of waiting for them to come to me. Remembering that I am not entitled to anything in my life, I have to do what I need to earn what I want for myself.

To me, that is dreaming your own dreams and making your own music for them.

Wedding Woes

I am in the throes of trying to plan a wedding. Or, better put, procrastinating on planning a wedding. I do not have a venue, a dress, or a solid idea for a cake. I do, however, have some creative thoughts about theme and color scheme, and that is basically it.

I’ve looked at a few venues and was only truly delighted with the aesthetics of one, but loathed the cost of each. As with almost everything I do in life, I have a specific idea in my mind and I’m having a really hard time making it come to fruition. To be perfectly honest, my main concern is that every aspect of my wedding reflects who we are. My second concern is practicality.

Why am I purposely procrastinating? This is supposed to be one of the most exciting times of my life. Sadly, it hasn’t been. Layoffs at work have put me in an incredibly stressful situation, as evidenced by several of my previous posts. The everyday barrage of emotions from that situation alone is enough to deal with. I met such disappointment when looking at venues, seeing my personal idea of my dream wedding crumbling before me, that I quickly realized that I wasn’t equipped to deal with both at the same time if I could help it.

Many people have told me that I’m lucky to have such a long engagement, because by the time the wedding comes, I will feel like I didn’t have enough time. Part of me also feels that I am putting off the planning because the waiting game is also extremely difficult. If I don’t start the planning, it won’t seem real yet. I waited five and a half years for the ring on my finger; I just didn’t think waiting another year and a half would be so excruciating. Once the planning begins, I have a feeling it will just get worse. By then we will have been together for seven years, a length of time in which a lot of marriages don’t even last.

I pride myself in doing what I need to do for me, and I have done so since I was a teenager. Rarely succumbing to peer pressure, establishing my own ideas and beliefs at a very early age, and even making several cases for my own individuality to my parents, complete with sound arguments that many teenagers didn’t even give themselves time to think of.

I’m saying this now because I am waiting to get married for everyone but myself. There are so many other contributing factors, and I realize that it is completely necessary to wait, but in a sense I feel like I am abandoning what I feel is right in order to make others happy. I simply don’t want to wait any longer. I also don’t want to base my decisions around those of others. It goes completely against what I’ve built myself upon.

I will make it clear by saying eloping is not an option. Jeff and I want a real wedding. There is a reason that people follow such rituals and ceremonies and I have my very specific reasons. My marriage will not be a disposable institution created in a lawyer’s office.

With all that said, I don’t wish this to cause anyone guilt. As I mentioned, the waiting and the concession to others is absolutely necessary in this case. The wait will make it so much sweeter once the day comes – I just wonder, how much waiting can one woman endure before it feels like torture? I can’t tell you, because that moment already passed long ago.

The job stress will end in only a few more days, and I will be able to unwind and cast all of this foolishness aside. Then and only then will I be able to meditate on the things that I really learned during the trial and apply them to whatever comes next. I hope to take the energy spent on work lost and pour it into crafting what will be one of the most beautiful days of my life. I long for the day to arrive, to be able to call Jeff my husband, to reach the pinnacle of this leg of our journey and begin a new one as husband and wife.

I just have to keep in mind that there will be no ceremony and no celebration without the planning, and that I will regret not using this time while I have the opportunity.

The Migraine Report – Two Weeks

It has been two weeks since I first began my migraine plan. I have been keeping a very detailed diary in hopes of learning my triggers, symptoms and medication side effects. I can report some successes and some failures.

Unfortunately, the diary hasn’t helped much, at least not in the way that I had intended. In the past two weeks, I haven’t learned any of my triggers. I haven’t discovered any new symptoms, haven’t discovered anything new about my migraines at all. I did, however, use the diary to track my migraines, exercise routine, and water intake. By the end of the first week, I didn’t see much need to use the diary unless I felt a migraine coming on, so I have decided to use it strictly as a migraine diary. I will turn to it again if I stray off course with my diet, exercise and fluids.

Let’s take a look at the diary (keeping in mind that I actually started the diary before the plan and some of this is coming from memory):

Week 0 – (the week before I started my plan):
Very stressful week at work – did not handle this well
Moderate water intake – too busy to refill
Skipped meals or extremely unhealthy meals – bad for the blood sugar
No exercise – ever
Terrible sleep =
5 Migraines

Week 1:
Same work as the week before – listened to music, stepped away when it got to stressful, paced myself, deep breathing to calm down
At least 64oz of water a day – top priority!
Never skipped a meal – went to lunch early or brought easy food with me, always had nuts with me as a quick protein snack when I started getting hungry
Strict exercise routine – cycle 30 min a day, 5 days
Slept great – eating well, drinking well, and exercising means great sleep! =
1 Migraine

Week 2:
Same work as the week before – plan from week 1 really helped keep the stress down
At least 64oz of water a day, added at least 3 glasses of green tea to the mix
Never skipped a meal – same food plan as week 1, seems to be working
Strict exercise routine – cycle 30 min a day, 5 days – trying to work myself up to more intensive workouts without getting a headache
Slept great – started sleeping in a new position and wake up much less =
0 Migraines!!

Over the weekend we moved the primary computer into the spare bedroom and turned it into an office. This will allow for less distractions when trying to sleep since Jeff stays up so much later than I do. We are hoping to be able to get a new bed soon, since the one we have just isn’t big enough for us. Even though my sleep has improved greatly, I feel like it is one of the most important aspects of my plan.

My focus is on prevention more than anything else. I’m looking forward to seeing where this plan can take me. If I can successfully bring myself down to 1 or 2 migraines a month, I would be ecstatic. I would be even happier if I could do that and wean myself off of my preventative meds, and rid myself of these chemicals.

I want to be migraine-free on my wedding day and through my honeymoon. Even more, I don’t want to suffer through 9 months of migraines when I’m pregnant. It is a neurological disease, yes, but it’s not one that has to take control of my life.

The Migraine Plan

This post may not interest most (or any) readers, but I’m putting it out here because I’ve developed a plan, and I want to document how well I stick to it and if it benefits me at all.

I want to start by sharing my amount of disability according to various well known and reputable tests, often used by doctors to determine disability levels in patients. I can’t rely on being able to say “But I feel better” because, honestly, my memory is not very good these days. I could fool myself.

– The first is the Headache Impact Test at http://www.amIhealthy.com. According to this test: Your score of 67 indicates that your headaches are having very severe impact on your life.

– Second is the MIDAS test (for Migraine Disability Assessment) at http://www.achenet.org. According to this test: Your MIDAS Score is 34: Your score indicates a Grade IV Severe disability (Score 21+)

Now that all of that is out of the way, here is my plan. I’ve done a lot of research, and I’m doing more, so this is bound to change.

– Exercise: at least 30 min a day, five days a week. More if I can stand it. Exercise is like the magic elixir for health problems, headaches and migraines included. It releases endorphins (natural painkillers!), helps with sleep, reduces stress, and increase blood flow. All things crucial and helpful to migraine relief. This will be tricky because sometimes exercising triggers a migraine, but I haven’t really tried since starting on the meds.

– Sleep: Just as important as exercise. Get plenty of restful sleep on a regular schedule, even on the weekends. Migraine brains are extremely sensitive to changes in sleep patterns, so under- or over-sleeping can cause major problems for migraineurs. Invest in a mattress pad or even a new mattress (going to have to save, or wait, for this one) to help with the sleep. Take mild sleep aids such as Tylenol PM if my sleep pattern gets thrown off and I just can’t sleep. As much as I hate the chemicals, my head will thank me for it in the morning.

– Hydration: Just as important as exercise and sleep! Drink 64oz of water throughout the day, or even more. Probably more since my meds dehydrate. This will be easy for me since I drink so much water anyway. Only drink liquids that are beneficial to the body and won’t dehydrate, and make sure to make up for those “bad” drinks (i.e. alchohol) with lots of water chasers. The brain needs lots and lots of water in order to remain happy.

– Nutrition: Protein or fiber with every meal or snack, small meals but more of them. The trick is to keep even blood sugar levels to keep the brain happy. This means no more skipped meals, very little sweets (they cause a major spike), and creative ways to get protein throughout the day as a vegetarian. I started taking magnesium supplements to regulate blood vessel function and studies show that migraineurs are more deficient than most.

– Happiness in all forms: This includes stress reduction through meditation, writing, or other creative means; cultivating healthy, positive relationships; spirituality (which can include all of the above!)

– Learn all (or most) of my triggers so I can avoid them if possible and figure out my symptoms of all phases of my migraines: Keep an extremely detailed daily diary of my sleep habits, food intake, and anything I feel that is out of the ordinary. Keep it in my purse and add to it as often as I can possibly think to. This is a little extreme, but considering my bizarre symptoms and the fact that I know so little about my own migraines, I feel this is necessary to rule things out or in. This will allow me to take perfectly accurate tests, figure out triggers, common symptoms, and just track my progress (or lack thereof) overall.

This is going to be a lifestyle overhaul. Not only do I need to take charge of my headaches, I need to make a preemptive strike against potential health issues in the future. Women who suffer from migraine with aura (aura is explained as any sensory changes, not just visual) supposedly have a greatly increased chance of heart disease and stroke.

I have suffered for too many years. I am more motivated than ever to take control of my brain, and my life, back.

Migraines and Empowerment

For years, I have felt like the victim of my headaches, crushed under the pain, nausea, and overall feeling of frailty. On a sometimes daily basis, I would soldier on, willing myself to ignore the knotting in my stomach or the twisting in my brain. The truth is, no matter how well I looked (and often I didn’t look well at all), it is impossible to ignore. I am still only giving a percentage of myself, and for that day, a piece of me is dead somewhere in the depths of my body, and it is always unknown when that piece will return. Sometimes it is after a good night’s sleep. Sometimes it takes a week, even more.

I have drugs, and good ones. A well known preventative which has greatly increased my quality of life, but isn’t doing the full trick. An expensive abortive, a triptan-NSAID combo, that really does wonders when the full-blown migraines come on. The abortive is really excellent, and I would rely on it heavily if I could, but the insurance companies severely limit the amount of these pills that you get every month (I get 12) and they are incredibly expensive. So if I’m running low and I still have some time before I can refill, I just let myself suffer in fear that I’ll get a worse migraine later. The worst feeling is knowing that I only have 1 pill left. It is such a desperate feeling, because I often imagine a situation, either at work or enjoying spending time with loved ones, and my hands begin to tingle as if they are waking up from a deep numb sleep. The next step is pins and needles, the kind that feels like thousands of needle pricks breaking skin, and I forcefully hit my hands on my desk or a hard surface in an attempt to wake up my hand and make the pain stop. But my hand isn’t going to wake up, because it isn’t asleep. My body is telling me that a migraine is coming, and these are usually the worst ones.

I already have the headache, it doesn’t often go away, but it is bearable. This time, accompanying the slight dull pain in my temples, is an aching in the base of my skull, and a strange sensation that I can only describe as nausea in my brain. I am nauseous in my stomach too… it seems to travel from my abdomen, up through my chest, my throat, and into the very top of my neck where my muscles are beginning to tense and ache. The pain in my temples spreads down and back towards my ears, behind my eyes, both sides of my head are now engulfed in a dull pain that just won’t go away. Halfway down the back of my skull begins to burn as if a hot syringe were just inserted. The burning descends slowly down my skull, like molten lava oozing through my blood stream. It makes its way to the base of my neck, splits off at my shoulders and continues down my arms.

The desperation for the abortive medication comes about this time. If the lava makes it to my neck and I don’t have this medicine, I don’t know what would happen. I don’t really care to find out. Would my entire body be engulfed in fire? Would it ooze out of every orifice until there is nothing left of me but… well.. nothing?

It’s dramatic, I know. But if you felt it, you would understand that feeling of desperation. I downplay it by calling it a “headache”, it’s my way of challenging its power over me.

I’m realizing lately, as everything else is crumbling around me, that my health shouldn’t control me like that. Migraine is not something that can be cured, or even that greatly controlled, but in doing the research that I’ve done, I know that I’m not doing everything I can to keep it from affecting me as often as it does. I have a new found sense of empowerment over my body, my incredibly unique brain, and this Migraine disease.

What does that mean for me? I’m not sure yet, I’m still working on it, but I won’t keep quiet about it.

Ready for the End

Okay, the life lesson can be over now. Even I can grow tired of the constant irritation of a dog-eat-dog environment, frustration of giving your all to a job that no longer exists, exhaustion over constantly blocking out and backing down the negativity that surrounds me every day.

The days are rapidly counting down and sanity is wearing thin in almost everyone. The very few that get to keep their jobs are seeing more and more stress, and those of us that are actually helping in the transition are feeling the effects as well. I don’t know what gets everyone else out of bed every day… for me it is pride in my work, the desire to do my best in everything I do, and I would like to come home at the end of every day and be able to say that I did what I could.

Right now, though, I would like to just stay home. The candle is close to burning right to the end and no progress has been made – not in this transition, not in my job search, not in anything. I have worked so hard and so far I see no end product. The only thing that keeps playing over and over in my mind is “wait a little longer, wait a little longer, wait, wait wait wait wait wait wait………..”

Remain patient and positive. I remind myself this several times a day.

Patient and positive.

Engaged and in the Clouds

Wow, has it been a wild few weeks. I am still trying to wrap my mind around all of the things that are happening in my life, and it is almost impossible. At some point I will come down from cloud nine, but for right now I’m resting comfortably up there.

Life always has its way of throwing me a balancing act. I have to balance the stress of finding another job with the sheer excitement of marrying the love of my life. All I can seem to focus on is the wedding even though it isn’t for a while. I think once I can figure out where we’re having the ceremony I will be able to slow down. I am so nervous about not being able to find the right ceremony site that I just need to get it out of the way as quickly as possible.

All that aside, Jeff’s proposal was perfect and I’m so proud of him for pulling it off without leaving me suspicious of anything (aside from misplaced scissors, but I didn’t automatically make the jump from misplaced scissors to oh-my-god-he’s-going-to-propose.)

As most people know, we’re not the most conventional of couples, so the bended knee proposal doesn’t necessarily fit our style. It wouldn’t have Jeff’s mark on it if it didn’t have some clever twist.

I should start this story by saying that Jeff and I stopped giving each other gifts a long time ago. We’ve been together for six years, and somewhere in that amount of time we grew so sappy in love with each other that we realized being with each other was all we really needed or wanted.

I should also mention that for several years I have been telling Jeff, and with much sadness, that he would never be able to surprise me with a proposal like most couples. I pick up on things too quickly, our lives are too intertwined, I ask too many questions, and aside from all of that, I can read his mind. He always agreed.

That said, we were celebrating my birthday in style with a mini-vacation from work and lots of fun trips planned. I was shocked when he suddenly pulled a card from behind his back.

The card was sweet, but it was just a typical birthday card saying “To know you is to like you” with a few other sweet words. He signed “This starts to sum it up. Barely…” and his name, and I thought the giving was over. Boy, was I wrong.

He pulled another card from behind his back, this one had a heart on the front and was blank on the inside… before he wrote on the entire thing, ran out of space, and even wrote on the back.  They were the most beautiful words he’d ever written to me, and even now I cry when reading them. For a moment I thought that the card alone was the greatest birthday gift that he could have given me.

He didn’t give me much time to think that, though. He pulled out a very large gift bag. It was brown, looked old and heavily used. On the front of the bag was a note:

Inside the bag was a brown, ripped box. On the box was a second note:

Inside the box was another smaller brown gift bag, looking as old and used as the first. The note on the gift bag was:

At this point, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Jeff didn’t have any money, which is why I was surprised to be getting a gift in the first place. Did he make me something? He’s not usually very artistic or crafty. Is this an elaborate joke? Surely, the only thing that could be inside this gift bag would have no monetary value, but could still be a very thoughtful gift. I was prepared for anything… or at least I thought I was. Inside the gift bag was a small jewelry box with, you guessed it, a note:

This is a cute jewelry box! He knew I was getting really upset about not being engaged. Maybe he got me a pretty $20 Cubic Zirconia ring as a placeholder? No, he wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t settle for less than the real thing. The idea of this being an engagement ring was so fleeting and outside the realm of possibility, that I still didn’t believe it when I saw this:

I stared at this little note for too long. What could be on the other side? A real ring? No way. No way he could pull that off. No way no way no way no way.

But he did! I moved the note, flipped over the little flap, and revealed a gorgeous 1.2 ct black diamond ring with .25 ct black diamond accents. I didn’t think it was real at first, my eyes must have popped out of my head. With shaky hands and blurry vision I pulled the ring out of the box and just held it, crying and shaking so hard I couldn’t even put the ring on my finger if I tried. It must have been 2 minutes of me shaking and crying before I handed the ring to Jeff, said an emphatic “Yes!”, and he slipped the ring on my finger.

And here we are! I can’t begin to describe how happy I am.